Adoption Again...

Earlier this week, one of my adoption buddies linked to her blog on facebook.  Captain Murdock's blog post, My Heart is Broken, grabbed at my attention.  Little did I know, it would also grab at my heart strings.  Murdock has been looking for one of her son's friends from the care center.  She recently found out that "Abe" has yet to be adopted and is now advocating for a family for him.  As I read her post, I chuckled at the details.  I had recently been praying about adoption.  You might recall a short post in mid April where I mentioned that Ryan was ready to adopt again.  Adopting again brings two issues to mind.  The first is that it's not common to allow a family to displace their oldest child.  We would be doing that if we pursue this little boy and would need the blessing of the agency providing his care.  The second is that I'm selfish and was really looking forward to a break from penny pinching.  After 9 years of marriage, we're finally building a garage.  I'd also love, love, love to add a dish washer to my kitchen and do some minor work in that room.  Pursuing an adoption would mean penny-pinching and fund raising once again.    My prayer was simple in that I shared that I was willing to obey if God provided a child in need.  This boy that Murdock is advocating for is indeed a little boy in need.  

There's only one problem.  Ryan was clear that he wanted Scott to remain the oldest.  Abe is 8.  Which puts him one year older than Scott.  Which presents a problem for Ryan.  

An hour later after sharing the story with a co-worker, I thought to email Ryan.  I simply asked him to read Murdock's blog if he had a minute and asked him to consider the little boy.  What I didn't know is that Ryan and I were likely reading Murdock's blog at the same time - he from his office and me from home.  Well before I had even shared the story at work, Ryan had emailed me at my home email suggesting we consider adopting Abe.  When we made that connection, I was floored.

I do believe that we serve a God who sees the big picture and knows how it's going to play out.

In the mean time, I've contacted the agency and had some brief discussions with the waiting child coordinator.  I've also contacted some knowledgeable friends and asked them to help me understand all that I need to consider if we choose to move forward.  Adopting an eight year old wouldn't be easy.  It could, but it could also be very, very hard.  We have a lot of things to think through and consider.  I thought I'd share a few things that Semiferalmama and murdock are helping me to consider in case you're also considering doing something similar:

1. Find someone who's been there, done that and ask lots of questions.

2. How might displacing the Scott's "oldest" status impact him?

3. I love that my kids are close in age.  And I selfishly desire for any future kids to also be close in age.  But close in age and developmentally different are a potential for struggle.

4. If you run a tight ship, are you ready for that boat to be rocked?  Are you patient enough and willing to wait for an 8 year old to start acting like an 8 year old?

5. What are your plans if things are really a mess?  What if he needs counseling?  Are there counselors available nearby to help?

6. It might be helpful to have a trusted amharic speaker who's willing to help communicate here and there...

7. Would your family be supportive of the adoption?  In my specific situation, my mom is my daycare provider.  Would they be patient enough to deal with a struggling 8 year old?

8. Which brings up the next concern: are you willing to stay home while that child adjusts?  What if it takes more than "maternity leave" and you need to stay home 6 months?  Or a year?

9. Attachment challenged kids can come off pretty charming.  His personality could be very different than the agency or visiting Americans have seen.

There is a lot to consider in adoption.  How will it impact my marriage, my 3 children, my sanity?  Our finances?  At this point, we are certainly not saying that we are all in.  In fact, at this point, there might be other families interested in him that would be better suited.  I called a friend on Wednesday who I thought was a good candidate.  Kids are mostly grown and adoption has been on their heart.  If we're not the family for Abe, I'm okay with that and will advocate for a family for him.  Maybe there's another child that would be a better fit for our family... we shall see.